UTAH's POLITIC-al humor page   WARNING! MANY OF THE JOKES ON THIS PAGE COULD BE CONSIDERED OFFENSIVE BY SOME PEOPLE. THESE JOKES ARE ALL POLITICAL IN NATURE AND THEREFORE CLAIM THE HIGHEST ORDER OF FREE SPEECH PROTECTION UNDER THE LAW.   Disclaimer: We believe that offense can't be given, it can only be taken.   Do Not Proceed... If you are sensitive, a miner, or a minor, or a major, or a politician or other fanatic, or a muslim, a government employee or other criminal, or an illegal alien. This page is not for you. Go away.   ===============================================================                                                                                                                          Some Humorous (...at least we thought so) Jokes sent to us:                                                   ===============================================   Four Doctors were overheard talking at the Salt Lake City Olympics:   The Israeli doctor says:  "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks." The German doctor says:  "That is nothingk, vee can take zee lung out of one perzon, put it in anodder perzon, and have him looking for work in four veeks." The Russian doctor says:  "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take part of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks." The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says:  "You gents is all way behind! Hell… we just took a man with no heart, and  no brain, out of a village in Texas, then put Him in the White House, and now half the Damn country is out lookin’ fer work".   ===================================================   As I was writing the word Libertarian,  I misspelled it as Liberaltarian. My spellchecker suggested that Liberaltarian should be: Liberal Arian. Does Bill Gates know something they (we) don't?   =============================================== Utah's Funniest Political Joke:  J. M. Dexter <jimdex@xmission.com> To: Non-PC People  Subject: Getting to Heaven ===================================================   Albert Einstein dies and goes to the last judgment.   At the Judgment Bar of God, Jesus tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove you're Albert Einstein?"   Einstein ponders for a few seconds and then asks, "May I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Jesus waves his hand and a blackboard with chalk instantly appears. Einstein proceeds to show the Theory of Relativity by mathematical symbols.   Jesus smiled and said. "You really ARE Einstein!" Jesus waves his hand and a great Black Hole opens beneath Einstein. As he falls into the flaming pit, Jesus says “Your Theory lead to the development of the Atomic Bomb, murdering and giving cancer to hundreds of thousands of innocent people.”   The next to arrive at the judgment bar is Pablo Picasso. Once again, Jesus asks him to prove who he is. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"  Jesus says, "Go ahead."   Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning nude with just a few strokes of chalk. Jesus claps his hands "You definitely are the artist you claim to be!" He says, as he waves his hand again and a great Black Hole opens beneath Picasso. As he falls into the flaming pit, Jesus says “Your Cubist Nudes lead to the degradation of millions of people who became interested in pornography after seeing your paintings.   Then Jesus looks up and sees J. Dexter from the Utah LP. Jesus scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" J. Dexter looks bewildered and says, "Those guys were not Libertarians were they? They can go straight to hell as far as I care." Jesus just smiles. Then Dexter says “If they had been LP’s, I would have kicked them out of the party for disagreeing with me, anyway.”   Jesus sighs, chuckles and says, "You truly are J. Dexter.” He then waves his hand again and a great Black Hole opens beneath the self-righteous dweeb. As he falls into the flaming pit, Jesus says, “You once had a chance to change the corrupt politics of Utah and the world. But your lack of vision and your treatment of party members with vision, foresight and new ideas, and your lack of tolerance towards these, my prophets, has set my work on Earth back generations.” Dexter Screams as he is falling into the pit, “But I was right damn it! I was RIGHT! Zeeg Hiel! Zeeg Hiel! They should not have opposed me!”   Just then K. N. Larsen walks up to Judgment Bar of God. Jesus smiles at him and says, “You’re K. N. Larsen aren’t you?” K.N. says, “I AM.” Jesus laughs and says, “That lil' basphemy was quite funny. You really sinned a lot down on Earth didn’t you? K.N. says, “I did, it was my Personal Choice, my exercise of free agency. Some of my choices were good and some were not, but I learned from my choices, both good and bad. I learned to tolerate others, and I learned to forgive others who tried to hurt me or offend me. I learned that I should use the intellect and talents you gave me to teach tolerance, and to teach others to live free and take responsibility for their choices.   Jesus said, “You truly are my servant K. N. Larsen. Good thing for you I have a sense of humor, and that "I AM" is in a forgiving mood, for a day. You taught millions of souls the highest principles of my gospel, Free Agency, Responsibility for that Agency, Honesty and Integrity by and through your words and deeds.”   “YOUR SINS ARE FORGIVEN, Enter into my Glory, I have prepared a mansion for you.”   K. N. said, “My sins are forgiven?”  Jesus said, “Yes they are.”  Just then hole to Hell started to close up. K. N. Larsen ran up to the hole and yelled down, “Dexter, my sins are forgiven! I made it to heaven!” Then he jumped into the hole just as it snapped shut.  He thought said, as he was falling… “Sorry Jesus, I know you rule Heaven, and there are no politics there. But I fear for the minions of Hell if Dexter is down there to challenge Satan for the dominion of it. He will try to kick out the ones who disagree with him, and then what will happen to the universe if he boots them out?”   Jesus waved his hand and reopened the hole to Hell. He waved his hand again, and K. N. Larsen rose up out of the pit, holding Dexter by the neck and pounding him in the face with his fist, Screaming “I forgive you!” “I forgive you!” Jesus then asked K. N. to let Dexter go. K. N. reluctantly released his grip on Dexter’s neck, and the Poyn Dexter...  He fell back down the hole.   Jesus said to K. N., trust me, its all part of the plan. Then they both fell over laughing. K. N. eventually won the lottery in Heaven, The “Power Ball Twelve” won a whole sack of pavement, and later became a GOD, in his own right, on his own planet.    ================================================

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